From: Ranger_Star@hotmail.com
Date: 7/3/00
Time: 5:32:25 AM
Remote Name: 208.21.169.152
I am 17 yrs old, and I am a silent sufferer. My father was emotionally/verbally abusive to my mother, sisters and i (he was also physically abusive towards my mother at times) until my parents separated and divorced when i was 13. It was the happiest day of my life; i called it The Great Escape. We lived in a government apartment for one year. That's when my mother met another man and remarried. I fought it with everything i could, but what did she care what i wanted. her mother abused her, her first husband abused her, and she was going to be happy herself for a change. Why was i opposed, you probably wonder? Do you believe it is possible to be around a type of person so much that when you see someone else like that, you just know? The day i met him, the way he was, the way he moved, the way he looked at me, i knew he was an older, taller, more subtle version of my father. Don't tell me i was prejudiced against authority. I don't have a problem being told to do what is necessary, what is right, what is safe, at school, at church, in life. Don't tell me i was prejudiced against men. My best friend's dad was my dad growing up; i believe there are good men and great dads all over. I've heard all these arguments before, and i get tired of being treated like it is all in my head. And please don't tell me i never gave this guy a chance. I considered the possibility on several occasions that perhaps i leaped before i looked, but then, WHAM! It turns out i was right all along and then i don't even know if i can trust myself. i told some of this to my best friend's mother once, and she asked me if he ever hit me or ever would. I told her that if he had ever touched me, i would be at the police station pressing charges before the other shoe ever had a chance to fall. The truth is, and this is the part where it gets really ugly, this is where it gets twisted, this is the thing that worries me most about what it is doing to me in my head, always (not just sometimes, but always) i wish he would just once hit me. And then it would be over. Then the high school teacher my older sister adores, the usher who shows up for church most of the time, the supporter who makes it to every athletic event (nothing is bigger than sports in this town) the summer time college professor that everyone thinks is an all-around good guy wouldn't be such a pillar of the community. No one would wonder why i turn white when i see him, why i cringe when i hear his name, why i am afraid to turn my back to him, why i don't stay in this house with him when my mother is out of town, why when i go to college, i'm getting out of this house and i'm not coming back...not without someone here to protect me...why when i come back for a football or basketball game, i'm staying at my best friend's house. I'm just so tired of people looking at me like I am just some spoiled brat or rebellious teenager. I told my mother once, "He's just like Dad." I cannot possible convey to you how angry she was. I got that you-are-out-of-your-mind-he-is-a-good-man-and-you-are-just-being-unfair-and-rebellious look. From that moment on, I knew I could not trust my mother to see or understand what was happening to me. The thing that gets me is she grew up being manipulated and afraid. She married a man and lived 17 years manipulated and afraid. I tell her I am manipulated and afraid and she thinks its all in my head. How is that possible? Because she is not manipulated and afraid? My oldest sister was 17 when my parents separated, yet she did not see the same world we were living in; she was not manipulated and afraid. But she was wrong; her interpretation of the world didn't change the truth. And neither can my mother's. She once said, "Always trust your child. Even if you don't see it, even if you don't believe it. If your child has a problem with WHO you are dating (not THAT YOU ARE dating), there must be a reason. There will be other men, always put your child first." How could she say that, and still not believe me? I just don't understand. I have never been to see a psychiatrist or counsellor, and i cannot because i have ceased from trying to explain all this to my mother. I'm tired of it. I was hoping someone on this board could help me. This probably isn't the right way or place, but i'm at a point of desperation. I know this is a long message, but i keep everything to myself except for my closest friends. I have trouble making new friends. I am very close to the ones i have, but everyone else usually has to settle for acquaintance. I have trouble trusting people and forgiving people (i can't forgive this man, because it isn't in the past and i don't think he will ever change his controlling behavior or get-inside-your-head attitude toward me). Though I have never been clinically diagnosed, I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder(and have for many years). I have also been overweight all my life (though that may be more because i really love chocolate and carbohydrates, especially when i am stressed). I am always sad(unless i am away from the house and don't think about the house or having to come back), and i often feel very isolated from everyone except my closest friends. I am a Christian: i do not drink, smoke, or do drugs, and i am a virgin (i tell you this so you know promiscuity is not a behavioral disorder that i suffer from). Along with my faith in God is my belief that their are mental health specialist for a reason: to help us if we will seek it. Thus I have come to you. I hope you are willing to help if you can, or offer encouragement or online contacts if you cannot help me. Please e-mail me at Ranger_Star@hotmail.com I have to live in this house for another 12 months, so I am really desperate for help. PLEASE DON'T FAIL ME.
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